The secret to love and friendships

As soon as I hit publish on my last post, it clicked that I was having such a good fucking time doing it.

There was an undeniable sense of joy and flow that filled me up while compiling all those links and photos and videos to share with you.

It seems all the little daily explorations in my brain, phone, and computer screen feel more meaningful when I can package them up and deliver them to you on your device.

It’s one of the few childhood joys I forgot about.

• Like when you can’t wait to show your mom the pillow fort you made.
• Or when you can’t wait to show your classmates the new sneakers you got.

But since we’re adults now, we’ve convinced ourselves we should be more modest and not be show-offs.

I say fuck that.

I have ALWAYS been curious about what everyone is doing / using / watching / saying / buying / etc.

So why wouldn’t there be people out there who want to know all that stuff too??

And it doesn’t have to be anything big and fancy and insta-grammy either.

Even the most basic and boring shit has value in different ways.

Like, sure…. Of course I love sharing higher value items that solve huge problems, like books and software apps and things.

However, I’m finding that it’s honestly just as fun to nerd out on small cheap household shit that everybody needs, too.

I mean last post I told you about socks and underwear.

And a couple weeks I told you about toothpaste and dental floss.

AND I AM TRULY HAVING FUN DOING IT

And I find that surprising.

So of course my brain then wanted to explore that a bit.

I took a day to think about it.

And the best explanation I got for it at the moment is that it might be our third thing…

INTERNET DUMPS AS THIRD THINGS

There’s this concept that is mostly attributed to romantic love, but i think it works with any relationship — even this one between you and me as a reader and writer.

The theory is that bonding occurs via a third object outside of the two humans.

I am sharing a part of myself with you via my explanation of how I use, see, and find certain items.

And you, by commenting or clicking or subscribing, are letting me know about your tastes and preferences in return.

It’s most famously referenced from this essay by the poet Donald Hall as he discusses the years with his wife before she died:

“What we did: love. We did not spend our days gazing into each other’s eyes. We did that gazing when we made love or when one of us was in trouble, but most of the time our gazes met and entwined as they looked at a third thing. Third things are essential to marriages, objects or practices or habits or arts or institutions or games or human beings that provide a site of joint rapture or contentment. Each member of a couple is separate; the two come together in double attention. Lovemaking is not a third thing but two-in-one. John Keats can be a third thing, or the Boston Symphony Orchestra, or Dutch interiors, or Monopoly. For many couples, children are a third thing. Jane and I had no children of our own; we had our cats and dog to fuss and exclaim over—and later my five grandchildren from an earlier marriage. We had our summer afternoons at the pond, which for ten years made a third thing.”

lmaooo…. it sounds so fancy and cheesy when he says it…but i get it and i feel it

You’ve probably felt it your whole life too.

You and your elementary school buddies bonded over the same superheroes or cartoon characters.

In middle and high school it was the people you did sports or hobbies with.

You didn’t just stare at each other across the lunch table.

You talked about external experiences and how you felt about them.

As a young woman in my early twenties, my girlfriends and I shared clothes and makeup and jewelry while getting ready to go out.

The last few years in gymnastics, my friends and I interact over skill corrections, the Olympic team, and leotard designs.

A couple or group is interesting together because of what it does apart.

When separate, you’re gathering things / ideas / experiences to then share when reunited.

You need some common object to bounce your unique perspectives off of which creates a deeper knowing between the two of you.

And when I think of my link dumps this way, it feels way less lame.

I’m just kinda doing my part in my relationship with the internet I guess lol

The ol’ world wide web gives my brain so much great shit to explore every day, so I’m simply here trying to share it back with you.

It prob feels so good because it’s a pay-it-forward situation and that’s what’s filling my cup.

And of course, when I look at my Substack stats and see that you’re here reading it, that’s super nice too.

Thanks for clicking on my third things ❤️

xoxo,

AV